An Open Letter to RNC Chairman

I got the following via email today:
An Open Letter to RNC Chairman Ken MehlmanWritten by Doc Farmer http://www.chronwatch.com/site_search.asp?auth=90
Thursday, October 27, 2005

Dear Mr. Mehlman,
I’ve been getting a lot of mail from you lately. At least twice a week, I get some sort of impassioned plea by the Republican National Committee, the Republican National Congressional Committee, the Republican National Judicial Committee, the Republican National Left-Handed-Bald-Headed-Buck-Toothed-Anorexic-Sumo-Wrester Committee, etc. All asking for money.

Now, as a political party, there’s nothing wrong with fundraising. You do it, the lib/dem/soc/commies do it, even my own party does it (although we don’t do a $1000 a plate dinner – more like a ten-quid beer bust). But since you’re advertising a product (conservatism) and you’re trying to sell it to me so that you can get my cash, I think it only fair to tell you something important.

You’re selling a defective product.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but let’s face it. Congress has done very little to prove that they’re conservative. Hell, it’s hard to figure out if they’re even Republicans these days. With only a few exceptions, virtually ALL the rep/cons in Congress are more like lib/dem/soc/commie-lite. All the socialism with one-third less vertebrae.

When America finally voted the lib/dem/soc/commies out of power in Congress, back in 1994, I was in a pretty good mood. I was looking forward to better control of the profligate spending that is the hallmark of Congress. I was looking forward to some serious ass-kicking in the judicial selection process, to turn away from the “legislating from the bench” you always get with lib/dem/soc/commies. I was looking for smaller government, better military investment, better veterans benefits, and getting rid of the near-communist welfare state that your political opponents have been building since the 1930’s.

I’m still looking. But I’m not seeing it.

In fact, I’m seeing just the opposite. Citizens Against Government Waste (http://www.CAGW.org ) “honored” Rep. Ray LaHood (R-IL) as October’s “Porker of the Month.” He’s not the first, nor is he the only rep/con listed in their august and non-partisan site. Our federal budget is rapidly climbing its way toward THREE TRILLION dollars. Twenty years ago, it was less than one-fifth that amount. What the (insert favourite expletive here) kind of conservatism is that? I’ll tell you – it’s LIBERALISM.

And how about standing up to your lib/dem/soc/commie brethren in Congress for a change, eh? Well, if half of that benighted “gang of fourteen” is any indication, you guys are standing on your knees. Let me give you a news flash. YOU WON! Stop acting like you still have to ask permission from the people you beat. Don’t give them equal status in committees. In fact, boot some of those bozos, especially on the Judiciary Committee. BOTH sides.

One thing that irked me something fierce was when the president asked Teddy the Hutt to write a bill for him. As Aristophanes said in the 4th century BC, “WTF?!?” We voted for conservatives to write legislation. We certainly didn’t want the Hero of Chappaquiddick, the champion of socialists everywhere to get his grubby mitts on ANY new laws. Especially one that involved OUR money.

Then there’s the treatment of your enemies in public. For example, why has nobody in the Senate taken Kerry to task for accusations of treason during his short stint in Vietnam? For that matter, why haven’t Patty bin Murray, Jim bin McDermott, and a number of other pro-terrorists in Congress been arrested for providing aid and comfort to the enemy? Why hasn’t anybody demanded that Kerry return his salary for the past two years, considering his constant absenteeism? Why hasn’t somebody – anybody – in the administration bitch-slapped Helen Thomas for her disrespectful mouth? Why hasn’t the Justice Department taken CBS and Dan “I still believe those forged documents are genuine” Rather to task for forging military documents? Why haven’t press credentials been pulled? Why hasn’t the 9th Circuit Court been impeached/disbarred/fired/etc.?

Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if you and the rep/cons in Congress should be sued for false advertising. Because what you said you were going to do is light-years away from what you’ve actually delivered. The latter being what you’d find on the end of a pitchfork while you’re mucking out the stables.

Now, I know that the argument made is that if I don’t provide you with financial support, the lib/dem/soc/commies will get back into power. To which I reply, GOOD! If this is the ONLY way you bozos will understand that you shouldn’t screw over your constituency, then fine. I don’t want the Hildebeast anywhere near the Oval Office again, I admit. However, if you guys can’t provide an actual alternative to the enemy, how are you not the enemy?

Do you guys really want my money? Well, then I’d expect Congress and the Executive Branch (all the way up to you-know-who) to follow this simple ten-and-a-half step program –

1. Grow a spinal column.
2. Stop spending my money like a group of drunken sailors.
3. Pass and implement a constitutional amendment for a line-item veto for the president.
4. USE the line-item veto.
5. Pass and implement a constitutional amendment for congressional term limits.
6. Shut down the Education Department, the Energy Department, the Health and Human Services Department, and the IRS. For starters.
7. Slash the federal budget (non-military) by 50%. In the first year.
8. Increase the military budget by 10%.
9. Put Matthew Lesko out of business (and if you’ve ever seen late-night infomercials, you’ll know who I’m talking about.
10. Instead of giving him legislation to write, shoot Teddy Kennedy with a harpoon during his upcoming Broadway debut in the title role of “Moby Dick.”
a. Uh, let’s make that pay-per-view.

Then, maybe you’ll be worth contributing to. Until then, I’ll send money to the SwiftVets or individual candidates who will actually have the testicular fortitude to actually go to Congress as a conservative, come back home as a conservative, and acting like a conservative instead of a frightened four-year-old girl.

Oh, and be sure to say hi to your other famous relative, Larry “Bud” Mehlman. Right now, I think he’d be a more effective party chairman, quite frankly.

About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest.

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