Stereotypes By the Numbers

by Don Meinshausen

One libertarian is a blog
Two libertarians are a transaction not reported to the IRS
Three libertarians are a think tank
Four libertarians are a free market

One green is a tree sitter
Two greens are a gay couple trying to get married
Three greens are a food co-op
Four greens are a salad

One Palestinian is a mullah
Two Palestinians are under surveillance
Three Palestinians will never get on an airplane
Four Palestinians are a refugee camp

One Israeli is putting the two Palestinians under surveillance
Two Israelis are a potential target
Three Israelis are a settlement
Four Israelis are a faction in the Knesset

One communist is an FBI agent
Two communists is a front
Three communists are a potential threat
Four communists are North Korea

One Trotskyite is waiting for an ice pick
Two Trots are a tendency
Three Trots are a faction
Four Trots are the Fourth International

One Nazi is far too many
Two Nazis are actually a gay couple in S&M drag
Three Nazis are actors in a WW2 film
Four Nazis are what you see in a night on A&E

One and a half conservatives is Rush Limbaugh
Two conservatives are NOT a gay couple
Three conservatives are talk show host, a caller and a sponsor
Four conservatives are a vast right wing conspiracy

One liberal is a guilt trip
Two liberals are a shrink and his client
Three liberals are a concerned group
Four liberals are the Upper West Side

One Republican is an angry white guy
Two Republicans are campaign consultants
Three Republicans are a country club
Four Republicans are a $1000 a plate dinner

One Democrat is arguing with the Republican
Two Democrats are a union
Three Democrats are a minority group
Four Democrats are a bureaucracy

One Anarchist is autonomous
Two Anarchists are a literature table
Three Anarchists are squatting a building
Four Anarchists will never agree on anything

One Black Muslim is selling Muhammad Speaks
Two Black Muslims are 2X
Three Black Muslims are the 3 Mosque-eteers
Four Black Muslims are a Million Man March

One Klansman has trouble finding a match
Two Klansmen's combined IQ might qualify for Mensa
Three Klansmaen are 3 sheets to the wind
Four Klansmen are a white sale

One Pagan is a solitary practitioner
Two Pagans are a Great Rite (A sectsual act)
Three Pagans are a witch war
Four Pagans are a gathering

One swinger is lubricated and lonely
Two swingers are an open marriage
Three swingers are a menage a trois
Four swingers are an orgy and you're not invited

One British Royal is a scandal
Two British Royals can attract 50 camera people
Three British Royals are a tabloid
Four British Royals are a family on welfare

One Gold Bug is warning you about inflation
Two Gold Bugs are a newsletter
Three Gold Bugs are a conference
Four Gold Bugs are still trying to recover from the advice from the last conference

One sadist is a dominatrix like Janet Reno or Anne Coulter
Two sadists are a presidential ticket
Three sadists are the staff at Abu Ghraib
Four sadists are the IRS

One masochist is the guy who enjoys reading this
Two masochists are a liberal support group
Three masochists are a televangelist audience
Four masochists are representative of American voters

One neo-con gave a speech at a conference on why Iran should be invaded
Two neo-cons also spoke last night at that conference sponsored by defense contactors
Three neo-cons were there from the Defense Dept. who never served in the military
Four neo-cons then went to an ex-Trotskyite alumnae re-union

One fart is a squeaky chair or so he says
Two farts will clear the room
Three farts will require an environmental impact statement
Four farts are considered to be biological warfare

One unbeliever is the village atheist
Two unbelievers do not believe in each other
Three unbelievers are all going to hell
Four unbelievers are a Unitarian fellowship

One pothead is raiding your refrigerator
Two potheads are doing a deal
Three potheads are sharing a joint
Four potheads are a medical marijuana store

One narc is an argument for abortion
Two narcs are proof of cellular reproduction of bacteria
Three narcs are proof that the swine flu really exists
Four narcs are proof of the existence of Satan

One policeman is giving you a suspicious look
Two policemen have you under surveillance. But don't worry because
Three policemen are usually corrupt. But
Four policemen is a bust

One paranoid is a schizophrenic
Two paranoids are a pair annoyed
Three paranoids is a psychiatrist's practice
Four paranoids are a 911 group

One CIA agent is lying to the press
Two CIA agents are lying to a congressional committee
Three CIA agents planning a coup
Four CIA agents who can't speak the language are running a country (True)

One terrorist car will explode upon hitting a bump
Two terrorists are a shock wave even if they don't stand up
Three terrorists upgraded to1st class with 72 virgin stewardesses and lost their luggage
Four terrorists cannot do the damage done by the Department of Homeland Security

One bureaucrat is thinking up new rules
Two bureaucrats are trying to decipher them
Three bureaucrats see this as a reason to hire more bureaucrats
Four bureaucrats will oversea the expansion ad infinitum

One reporter is actually covering the story
Two reporters are in a bar talking about it
Three reporters are a press conference
Four reporters are the amount who disbelieve what they heard at the press conference

One politician is a liar
Two politicians are an election
Three politicians are supposedly an investigative panel on corruption
Four politicians are involved in the cover-up

One evangelical is thumping his Bible—on your head
Two evangelicals are knocking on your door and they are not into knock/knock jokes
Three evangelicals want to prey with you and want you to help set up a TV ministry
Four evangelicals is a good reason to leave town

(Nice Version) One evangelical is a preacher
Two is a Baptism
Three is a Bible study
Four is a revival

One retreatist is a crank whose source of happiness is bad news
Two retreatists think that they can re-propagate the race but they're sterile
Three retreatists are a militia fantasizing going against the US Army
Four retreatists are an email list now on the FBI's hard drive

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