Why It Sucks to Be Just An American

by Aaron Turpen
[Editor's Note, added 3/21/04: This piece was meant as sarcasm. Apparently I didn't do very well at that as very few people have thought it funny. Most either lambasted me for being "racist" or returned academic arguments. This piece was meant to be satire, not serious...it was meant to be sarcastic, not academic. Oh well. Maybe some day I'll re-write it to be more "over-the-top" and thus obviously sarcastic.]

I've recently begun to realize that being just an American is not such a good thing. In fact, it downright sucks. I'm nothing special and I have no reason to be revered above others for any reason; 'cause I'm just an American.

I mean, really, several others have much better ranking than me because they have special names attached to their Americanism. For instance, if you're an African-American, a Jewish-American, a Disabled-American, or even a Gay-American, you've got something special going on. Right? You're obviously entitled to special treatment, otherwise you wouldn't have that extra adjective and hyphen before you declared yourself an American.

Yet all I have is the name "American" to describe me. I'm not a racial "minority," I'm not "disadvantaged" and I'm not otherwise deserving of a hyphenated adjective before my Americanism.

That sucks.

I mean, come on, I know I'm special! My mom told me that all through childhood, my teachers told me I was "above average," and my colleagues and friends consider me to be something more than the average. So how come I'm not a special hyphenated-American?

I'll tell you why. I don't have a political action group lobbying in my behalf. That's why.

Considering those I know who are in the same boat I am in, I think it appropriate that we also band together and emphasize our specialness to others and thereby get the entitlements and treatment we deserve. So we are no longer calling ourselves just "Americans."

We're now Caucasian-Americans!

That should get things rolling. Our first step is to no longer accept being called "white" or "Caucasian" or "WASP." We are now "Caucasian-American" and will make sure everyone knows it!

Next, we'll get a spokesperson for our group. Many celebrities and well-known faces could fit the bill for us. After all, Caucasian-Americans have achieved great success and should be proud of it!

Finally, we'll form a political action group and start raising money in our behalf to bribe…er…threaten…I mean…lobby Congress to get us the entitlements and special treatment we deserve as Caucasian-Americans. Perhaps, to get things started, we'll get a march of millions of us on Washington D.C. itself to protest our ill treatment.

Our demands could be many, but should include: higher consideration for jobs, free public money so our children get an education, reparations for our years of suffering as misunderstood Caucasian-Americans being under the boot heel of other special interest groups, funding for our "arts" and other programs, our own Caucasian History Month, and our own special bathrooms and parking stalls! The entitlements are endless if we just band together and demand them!

In the end, our Caucasian-American group could have spinoff groups for all sorts of "sub groups" who are entitled to their own specific extras. Groups like "Celtic-Americans" and "Italian-Americans," and even "Caucasian-American Soccer Moms Alliance" could be formed in this manner!

Working together, anything is possible!

Caucasian-Americans Unite!

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