The Militant Libertarian

I'm pissed off and I'm a libertarian. What else you wanna know?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Supreme Court Vacancy Hubub

As I sit here tonight listening to fools outside attempting to not light themselves on fire with their fireworks, I consider the numerous emails I'm receiving regarding the "Big Fight For the Supreme Court" now that Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has retired.

To read these emails (from both "right" and "left" - I'm a libertarian, so I get to hang out in both political camps), you'd think that the entire future of our country rested totally on who is picked for that seat.

The right claims that no less than 70 "leftist, liberal groups" have banded together already in a huge push to get their point across.

The left claims that President Bush is sure to nominate some religious zealot and that he must be stopped.

Problem is...neither side knows who the nominee will be.

Here's the real message behind the missives and dire threats to our future:

"Forget about the War in Iraq that's killing thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. Forget about the Supreme Court deciding that you don't actually own any private land. Forget about the loss of liberty, the failure of We the People to keep tyranny at bay, the threat of our economy falling apart at any moment, the idea that The United States of America is actually the least free of all free nations..."

They want you to forget all of that. They'll attempt to distract your attention with lots of bogus threats and straw-man attempts at fighting for "freedom."

In the end, right or left, what they really want is you as their slave... a slave to their fake dollar, their bullshit ideals, their slanderous re-defining of "freedom" and "liberty" and even "democracy."

In the end, they want you to forget your true yearning for real freedom, real liberty... the yearning that calls from your blood, your bones, and every sinew. Ignoring that call is like ignoring that your eyes are blue, that your hair is red, that you have ten toes... What they're really trying to do is speed up evolution and remove the call for freedom that comes from your very DNA.

Don't ignore your blood. Stand up and let it boil! Stand up and take what is yours by right! Take your freedom back!

Got comments? Email me, dammit!
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

An Idyllic Vacation...

Spend An Idyllic Vacation Day at Gitmo Bay

My vacation plans are not yet complete, but I think I have found the perfect spot for my summer idyll, an enchanted isle where the gentle breezes blow across the water and play a lullaby in the swaying palm trees.

Caressed by the dappled sunlight through the languid days and lulled by the romantic rhythm of the rain in the tropical nights, I will kick back in my commodious personal accommodations without a care in the world. While some may think the rooms spartan, they seem perfect for the spa lifestyle that is so healthful and appealing to travelers like me.

I can't wait to jump on a plane and wend my way to this gem of a resort where time stands still.

Why, the very name fills the ear like a Latin rhythm beating with the salsa notes of the islands - Guantanamo Bay.

The color brochure from Uncle Sam Freedom Tours is as seductive as a senorita's serenade. I can hardly contain my enthusiasm. Yes, I know, vacation destinations don't always live up to their billing, but the brochure's glowing reports are matched by incredible testimonials coming from some of the most respected figures in the land.

Just the other day, Vice President Dick Cheney said on CNN that the lucky residents of Guantanamo Bay were "very well treated down there. They're living in the tropics. They're well fed. They've got everything they could possibly want."

Everything they possibly want! Well, I want some of that, and the price is right: In fact, it's free room and board and all the beans and rice you can eat. It sounds as if those Vegas buffets have nothing on Guantanamo Bay.

Another important Republican, Rep. Duncan Hunter of California, held a news conference concerning Guantanamo. Displaying some yummy traditional meals, he said the government spends $12 a day for food for each person. "So the point is that the inmates in Guantanamo have never eaten better, they've never been treated better, and they've never been more comfortable in their lives than in this situation," he said.

Obviously we are spoiling people half to death in Gitmo, as the colorful natives call it. My fear is that everybody will now want to go and be coddled by that old-fashioned American hospitality, and in the rush I won't be able to make a booking through my travel agent at the Justice Department.

But, you alert readers say, isn't Gitmo reserved for the worst terrorists? Sure, but the government, being the government, is always going to make mistakes, and I think it's probable that a few innocent Afghani goat herders - those lucky guys! - have been swept up in the general enthusiasm of war to live the life of Riley in the tropics.

But let us assume that Guantanamo does have its share of very bad residents; why would the rest of us want to go there? Well, I hear security is very good, and discipline will prevail even when the campers get together during those happy evening singalongs when everybody belts out "He'll Be Coming Around Tora Bora Mountain When He Comes" and the sentimental "I Dream of Genie With the Light Brown Burqa."

Besides, while bad boys they may be, they won't be like those repulsive Euro-trash guys in their tiny Speedos you see on the beach at Club Med.

It doesn't seem fair to keep such a seaside paradise off-limits to the American taxpayer, i.e. me. You will feel the same when I tell you that the government has spared no expense to keep the environment pest-free for the residents' safety and comfort. Nothing spoils a vacation like the arrival of flies, cockroaches, mosquitoes or, in Gitmo's case, lawyers.

As for me, I don't need any constitutional protections to have a swell time. I look forward to the visits of the hostesses, who are said to be all Ann Coulter look-alikes dressed in Army-issue camouflage bras, purchased at the famous lingerie store, Rumsfeld's Secret.

Because I patriotically believe everything I am told, I look forward to the interviews with the other charming, clean-cut interrogators as they tickle me with a feather for information. Afterward, I'll go back to my room and do some light reading, perhaps sampling the complimentary Quran left thoughtfully by the El Gideons.

Oh, I could spend many happy years down there at Gitmo with everything I need. Although I am not a terrorist, I once got very cross with a Port Authority bus driver and said "darn." I am hoping this will be enough to gain me admittance. My travel agent says not to worry: The government already knows I have taken out several library books written by bearded authors.

Hey, I'll keep a light on for you.

(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry(at)

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